Saturday, October 28, 2023

Conversations with myself

October 28, 2023

Muse: "Are you sure?"

Me: "I'm sure of nothing."

Muse: "You're allowing someone else's vision of who you should be and what you should do to make decisions for you. Ask yourself 'why' and discover those answers."

Me: "Well, what's the fucking question, bitch? You always come at me with riddles."  
(Am I allowing someone else's opinion/vision to sway me?)

Muse: "No, I don't. Sometimes you're so wrapped up in your responsibilities to understand what I'm trying to tell you. I know caring for a handicapped partner, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, taking the trash to the landfill, mowing the grass, cutting firewood, and now this gig while your girl is on maternity leave, is exhausting. Should you make decisions when you're this far underwater?"

Me: "I don't want your sympathy. I am woman, hear me roar, remember!"
(I feel like I'm just squeaking at the moment.)

Muse: "You know I'm making sense. Can you admit that much?"

Me: "Sure. You think I don't hear you, and I do. Hearing you doesn't change MY question."

Muse: "The answer hinges on whether or not you're allowing someone else to sway your feelings. Why did you write the first story? Do you remember how ambivalent you were about publishing it? You weren't sure you wanted the aggravation, but you allowed someone to convince you, and here we are."

Me: "It was foolish of me to allow my mother to influence me. I knew it was for her so that she could tell all her friends HER daughter was published. She sucked the joy out of it." 

Muse: "Yes. And now it's all up to you. Let me ask you this - why do you feel like your only validation comes from the number of copies you move?"

Me: "Maybe because I used to sell more when Amber Quill was in the picture. I'm not really sure. It would be nice for the royalties to buy me another vehicle, wouldn't it? Just don't tell me I need to write every day because that was never true for me."

Muse: "I've never said that to you! I gave you a new idea just last night. Do you want to move on that?"

Me: "I don't know. I have an awful lot to do. There is still a huge pile of firewood logs to get cut and split out there. I'm not feeling up to the task of starting a new project."

Muse: "You are. Just a few steps every day. Create the character bios and go from there. Three hundred words at a time is very doable."

Me: "That will take forever!"

Muse: "Who cares? Does it matter how long it takes? Write it for us. You and me. When you finish it, we can decide if anyone else gets to read it."

Me: "And if no one does?"

Muse: "Fuck 'em."


KC Kendricks
My home on the web- Between the Keys:
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Social media links:
Snips and clips on my YouTube channel: KC Kendricks Between the Keys
Life through the eyes of my black Lab, Greenbrier Smokey Deuce:
My country life at The Hideaway/Holly Tree Manor:

KC Kendricks, contemporary gay romance, Rayne Forrest, romance fiction, writing, blogging, X Twitter, m/m romance, LGBT gay romance, author

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