Saturday, April 27, 2024

Do I feel the way I'm supposed to feel?

April 27, 2024

Some dates burn themselves onto our souls. For me, March 30, 2024, is one of them. That's the day Ron died. How was I supposed to feel at his passing? How am I supposed to feel today, almost a month later? 

The late Jim Morrison (of The Doors) penned some lyrics way back in 1967, or thereabout, that seem apropos to the way I feel today. I mentioned these words in a previous post, but I can't get them out of my head. 

Strange days have found us and through their strange hours
We linger alone, bodies confused, memories misused
As we run from the day to a strange night of stone

Back in January, I thought my strange days would pass, but instead, they got stranger. My indestructible Ron, who had triumphed over every adversity, passed away. A cancer we didn't know he had took him. How am I supposed to feel about that? 

Getting in touch with myself is on my mind. Who will I be now that Ron is gone? Being single is something I've done before. Being a "widow" is not. What's a widow supposed to do? WHO is a widow supposed to be? Who am I after thirty years of being Ron's queen? And he did treat me like a queen. He and I alone together were people no one else got to see and we liked it that way. I will never be that woman again. She is gone, already faded from memory.

My future is a blank canvas. I can paint it with all the colors of my choosing without heeding the suggestions of others. Who I will be is up to me. Society will view me as a widow, as partner-less, but that's not the full story. Ron will always be with me. His counsel was timeless, ageless, and I'm only physically alone. 

Should I sit home and mourn him? He constantly encouraged me to go with friends to those places his disability prevented him from accompanying me. He wanted me to experience life even when he could not. He was not a jealous man, but a generous one. 

I can't be the grieving widow who sits home alone. I may become one of those crazy widows with multiple pets, however. No, I will be home when I want to be home, and out in the world when I want to be out in the world. My vision of "widowhood" allows me to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. Those are the decisions I need to make, day-by-day, and they will be my own. 

Is that the way I'm supposed to feel? It's the way I DO feel.

    _*_*_*_*_*_*_

 KC Kendricks
My home on the web- Between the Keys: 
Visit my bookshelf at: 

Social media links:
Life through the eyes of my black Lab, Greenbrier Smokey Deuce: deucesday.blogspot.com
My country life at The Hideaway/Holly Tree Manor: hollytreemanor.blogspot.com
Snips and clips on my YouTube channel: KC Kendricks Between the Keys



KC Kendricks, Rayne Forrest, Between the Keys, widowhood, death of spouse, country lifestyle, rural living, grief, m/m romance, contemporary LGBT gay romance, romance fiction, Kindle romance

Saturday, April 13, 2024

I won't say the words

April 13, 2024

Many years ago, on August 20, 2017, to be exact, I wrote these words: "...the last thing I ever want to say to anyone is 'I used to be a writer'."  In that blog post, I bemoaned how little time I had to write. I was working full-time, caring for my ailing stepfather, my mother was in a nursing home, and my husband's health was not robust. I did not have the time or energy to continue to write at the level I was accustomed to. Fast forward to today, and I'm adrift. 

But I refuse to say those words. 

Ron's passing has brought seismic changes to my life. In fact, my life as I knew it for the last thirty years is over. I'm now in a time of transition and, I suspect, a time of reinvention. 

I don't anticipate being able to practice my craft for at least the next few weeks. There are "business" matters to attend to. I need to cancel his cell phone, get the Internet transferred into my name, sell his van, and settle all medical accounts. There are also more personal things to attend to as well. His beloved Strat has been given to his son, and it hurt my heart to part with it. 

I'm free now. My days belong to me. It's rather daunting, too. The gardening season is just around the corner. There will soon be mowing to do and outside projects to complete. And there will be time to write. 

First and foremost, I will be kind to myself. I will give myself time to adjust to living alone again. It's been thirty years since the last time I did, and I'm far better equipped for it at this stage of my life. In many ways, I've been in training for it for the last few years as his health declined more rapidly. 

So how do I want to reinvent myself as a woman on her own? Do I want to follow the musings I've had in the middle of many sleepless nights? Or now that the time has arrived, do I want to strike out in directions never considered? 

The next few months will likely bring a few surprises to my door. I hope I'm ready for them. 

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

KC Kendricks
My home on the web- Between the Keys: 
http://kckendricks.blogspot.com
Visit my bookshelf at: 
https://kckendricks.blogspot.com/p/bookshelf.html

Social media links:
Snips and clips on my YouTube channel: KC Kendricks Between the Keys
Life through the eyes of my black Lab, Greenbrier Smokey Deuce: deucesday.blogspot.com
My country life at The Hideaway/Holly Tree Manor: hollytreemanor.blogspot.com


KC Kendricks, Rayne Forrest, Between the Keys, death of spouse, LGBT gay romance, m/m romance, Kindle romance, on being a writer, life changes, Fender Strat, family, summer, gardening, 

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Privilege and burden

April 6, 2024

One week. It seems a lot longer.

There is a hole in my life that RC inhabited. It may never seal over, but I see signs it will close. I've put down an area rug so Deuce can be more comfortable on the hardwood floor. I've rearranged the furniture now that I don't need to allow for RC's mobility limitations. Rearranging the furniture allowed me to bring my grandmother's Eastlake rocker back to the living room. 

It feels strange that such a small thing as having my grandmother's rocker back in my living space would have such a big impact. Being in the house with just Deuce and Loki has me reflecting on how much RC's health impacted the way we lived. Should I lie and say I feel no satisfaction in moving everything to where I want it? No, I will not. 

I was twenty-six when my father died. The hospital called and told Mom she should come in "right away." Dad was gone when we arrived. My mother uttered these words: "I'm free."  It shocked my young self but now I understand. No matter how much you love your spouse, caring for them through illness and end of life is both privilege and burden. 

I don't regret the thirty years we spent together. We had good times before he had the first cancer. After that, we did the best we could do. 

Will I be lonely? I have been lonely. Everywhere I went, I went alone because it was so difficult for him to get in and out of a vehicle. That will not change. 

Will I work harder around the house and yard? I was already doing everything. That will not change. 

But there will still be a hole in my life. His steadying presence is gone. His knowledge is gone, although I learned a lot from him. 

Like my mother, I'm free, and that, too, is both privilege and burden. 

_*_*_*_*_*_*_

KC Kendricks
My home on the web- Between the Keys: 
http://kckendricks.blogspot.com
Visit my bookshelf at: 
https://kckendricks.blogspot.com/p/bookshelf.html

Social media links:
Snips and clips on my YouTube channel: KC Kendricks Between the Keys
Life through the eyes of my black Lab, Greenbrier Smokey Deuce: deucesday.blogspot.com
My country life at The Hideaway/Holly Tree Manor: hollytreemanor.blogspot.com

KC Kendricks, Between the Keys, loss of spouse, Kindle romance, life changes, Rayne Forrest, rural living, Eastlake, living alone