Some dates burn themselves onto our souls. For me, March 30, 2024, is one of them. That's the day Ron died. How was I supposed to feel at his passing? How am I supposed to feel today, almost a month later?
The late Jim Morrison (of The Doors) penned some lyrics way back in 1967, or thereabout, that seem apropos to the way I feel today. I mentioned these words in a previous post, but I can't get them out of my head.
Strange days have found us and through their strange hours
We linger alone, bodies confused, memories misused
As we run from the day to a strange night of stone
We linger alone, bodies confused, memories misused
As we run from the day to a strange night of stone
Back in January, I thought my strange days would pass, but instead, they got stranger. My indestructible Ron, who had triumphed over every adversity, passed away. A cancer we didn't know he had took him. How am I supposed to feel about that?
Getting in touch with myself is on my mind. Who will I be now that Ron is gone? Being single is something I've done before. Being a "widow" is not. What's a widow supposed to do? WHO is a widow supposed to be? Who am I after thirty years of being Ron's queen? And he did treat me like a queen. He and I alone together were people no one else got to see and we liked it that way. I will never be that woman again. She is gone, already faded from memory.
My future is a blank canvas. I can paint it with all the colors of my choosing without heeding the suggestions of others. Who I will be is up to me. Society will view me as a widow, as partner-less, but that's not the full story. Ron will always be with me. His counsel was timeless, ageless, and I'm only physically alone.
Should I sit home and mourn him? He constantly encouraged me to go with friends to those places his disability prevented him from accompanying me. He wanted me to experience life even when he could not. He was not a jealous man, but a generous one.
I can't be the grieving widow who sits home alone. I may become one of those crazy widows with multiple pets, however. No, I will be home when I want to be home, and out in the world when I want to be out in the world. My vision of "widowhood" allows me to be who I want to be and do what I want to do. Those are the decisions I need to make, day-by-day, and they will be my own.
Is that the way I'm supposed to feel? It's the way I DO feel.
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KC Kendricks
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KC Kendricks, Rayne Forrest, Between the Keys, widowhood, death of spouse, country lifestyle, rural living, grief, m/m romance, contemporary LGBT gay romance, romance fiction, Kindle romance
